My Black Dad

teen mom defense league ACTIVATE!

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 20:08:46 -0500

Me: Where's mom?
Dad: In the dining room having a meeting.
Me: Oh. About what?
Dad: Sex.
Me: Come again?
Dad: It's about sex and all of the--and I'll use the proper term here--bastards in the church.

Dad: “That child is ruined.”

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 12:00:33 -0500

Dad: “That child is ruined.”

i'm needy

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 09:57:19 -0500

Dad: i gotta go. was just about to shut down. have a faculty council meeting to attend.
Me: okk
Dad: may chat during meeting. most of it will be boring and useless. but don't quote me on that.
Me: tell them i said hello
MAKE THEM KNOW ME
Dad: k. they asked about you last time. you're on the agenda.
Me: perf!!
Dad: right after the minutes "hellos from/to lauren smith"

al for short

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 16:13:12 -0500

me: facebook suggested i poke a dead girl
Dad: way to go al g. rithm.
me: what's up w/ your keyboard
Dad: whaddya mean?
me: oh that was a joke HAHAH I GET IT NOW
Dad: thank you.
me: i was like you spelled algorithm wrong

is weirdness a dominant or recessive trait?

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 17:36:38 -0400

Me: i wish i had had the foresight to invite someone to come w/ me
Me: i'm a loner
Me: creepy loner
Dad: my apologies, again, for your gene structure.
Me: accepted

Daddy was a loser too.

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 14:13:21 -0400

Skyler,

I know exactly how you feel up in Huntsville. I can really empathize. When I was in your shoes I studied a lot, played basketball, ran around the track, and felt sorry for my loser self. I didn’t have a girlfriend, a car, nothing. I was just a loser. But, I did know how to type and so I typed a lot, shot a lot of baskets with another loser friend of mine, and stayed in great shape. So, that was good.

My suggestion to you: find a tennis racket or the swimming pool and put some of that energy into exercise. I know that you will love it once you get into a routine. (It’s always good to drop of few unneeded lbs.) I should know; I have plenty of them and I can still exercise at 61!

Love, Your Loving Daddy

(Submitted by Skyler)

conrad murray is still the center of our world.

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 12:48:12 -0400

Dad: i'm gonna go do nap...my bad, dr. conrad murray...time.
Me: hahahahahah
you enjoy
don't inject anything
Dad: actually, mom came home early to monitor my propofol drip.
Me: HAHAH
tell her not too much

re: the pants

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 15:12:25 -0400

Dad: under the sink against the wall.
those didn't just "fall" off the sink when someone was handwashing.
Me: hahahahahaah
OMG
wooow
did you see anyone walking around with just a button down shirt on?
pantsless?
Dad: not yet.
hiding in my office so i don't see that person.
Dad: imagine seeing that out of the corner of your eye.
Me: LOL that is truly baffling
Dad: if they were in the middle of the floor, in a stall, lying on the sink, i'd possibly understand...but kicked against the wall
...that's a puzzler.
Me: i just crack up thinking of the many scenarios that led to that point
i can't stop laughing
Dad: crack up or get scared.
Me: personally i'm horrified
Dad: imagine that guy explaining to his wife that he lost his pants at work.
or having an afternoon meeting after working out.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAH
'honey, i need a new pair of dockers. don't ask questions.'
Dad: LOL!
"how was class, dear?"
"good. lost my dockers, nothing out of the ordinary."

E-mail from Dad: It’s the men’s room—public. ...

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 14:20:15 -0400

E-mail from Dad:

It’s the men’s room—public. On the first floor of my building. Against the wall, under the sink, with a belt. Who among you has disrobed and left necessary clothing in a public restroom? On second thought, don’t answer that. I really don’t want to know.

on drinking and rapists, via twitter:

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 22:53:16 -0400

Me: my night = drinking a ghetto cocktail and watching octomom on hulu. #imbetterthanyou
Dad: what’s a ghetto cocktail? i have hendricks gin. ha! #imbetteroffthanyou
Me: HAHAH it is this passion fruit welch’s juice [redacted] left here and tito’s vodka. i wanted to get wine but the rapist put the kaibosh on that.
Dad: That’s why rapists are bad all around.

you know what they say when you assume...

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 12:32:00 -0400

Me: Did you get a chance to listen to Drake yet?
Dad: No, I've been listening to the Fisk Jubilee singers.
Me: What even is that? Sounds like homos in bowties.
Dad: It's from the 1870s.
Me: Well they had homos in bowties in the 1870s.
Dad: More like ex-slaves in bowties.
Me: Oh.

dr. conrad murray, part 4

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 11:12:41 -0400

Dad: but, as for doc murray...any medical professional who has such a low ethical barrier as to administer propofol (sp) to an individual in his home as a sleep aid has to be pond scum at best
Me: exactly
Me: and not even take the proper precautions. b/c apparently you're supposed to have an oximeter and an ekg on the patient
Dad: and the patient should be
Dad: UNDERGOING SURGERY!
Me: LOL
Me: IN A HOSPITAL
Dad: yeah. that little detail.

dr. conrad murray, part 3

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 21:55:00 -0400

Dad: lol it makes me laugh too to think that he had a rather refreshing nap and was feeling all good...
Me: HAHAHAHA and BAM
Dad: probably thinking what a good job that was.
Me: right
Dad: put a nigga to sleep, go to sleep, get up. get paid.
Me: "I got a GOOD old job right here!"
Dad: BAM!
Me: HAHAHA
Dad: i bet he smokes. he probably had a cigarette dangling out of his mouth working with propofol and oxygen tanks.
Me: HAHAHAHAH
Dad: with the long ash.

dr. conrad murray, part 2, nap edition

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 17:12:00 -0400

Dad: gotta step away from the computer. get a little conrad murray action going.
Me: HAHAHAH
Me: enjoy your conrad murray
(ONE HOUR LATER)
Dad: back...we still have all our celebs, i hope
Me: no one died while you were out, did they?

dr. conrad murray, part 1

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 15:11:00 -0400

Dad: btw- conrad murray is going down and he's gonna need more security than salman rushdie
Me: OMG i know. he's going to be assassinated. they said your boy gave MJ that iv drip then straight TOOK A NAP
Dad: i hope that was a good nap he got.
Me: not. worth. it.
Dad: if that wasn't the best nap in the history of mankind...
Me: 2 hours of sleep = the loss of the greatest entertainer of all time
Dad: it'd be funny to do a comic video of him waking up all refreshed and stretching and invigorated and oblivious and on his cell phone talking 'bout his nap.
Dad: until security just says quietly... uh...dr. murray?
Me: LOL
Me: he wakes up and he's like "Aw, damn. Let me go check on this nigga real quick. Hold on."
Dad: ROFLMAO
Dad: and i never ROFLMAO
Me: HAHAHA

re: the two Kelly Hildebrandts who met on facebook and are getting married

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 15:32:30 -0400

Dad: two kellys is weird
Me: so weird
Me: also weird that he flew out and met her after 3 weeks. creeps.
Dad: creeps. so, when he kills her, will it be suicide?
Me: HAHAHAHAHA

(www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/5880036/Kelly-Hildebrandt-to-marry-Kelly-Hildebrandt.html)

"my dad's side of the family probably did, but not in our house."

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 15:08:20 -0400

Dad: you could publish a book of My Black Dad riddles with one answer.
Me: LOL
Me: q: you ever put your light bill in your child's name because your credit is messed up?
Me: a: my dad's side of the family probably did, but not in our house
Dad: q: anyone ever tell you: "will the defendant please rise?"
Me: HAHAHAHAHA i am dying

my black dad: celebrity edition

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 14:36:00 -0400

Me: she (redacted, biracial celebrity) also has a serious case of 'my black dad'
Dad: meaning?
Me: well before the interview, she saw the questions and was like 'are they gonna ask me about soul train?' 'i have never seen soul train before in my life-- i'm too young.' and her make-up artists/hair ppl (all black) were like 'you've never seen soul train?' and she was like 'no-- we never watched it. my dad's side of the family probably did, but not in our house.'
Dad: wow.
Me: haha yeah
Dad: q: you ever get in a knife fight?
Dad: a: my dad's side of the family probably did, but not in our house.
Me: LOL exactly
Me: q: you ever eat fried chicken?
Me: a: my dad's side of the family probably did, but not in our house.
Dad: q: ever cha cha slide at a family reunion?
Dad: q: ever cap a nigga in a drive by?
Dad: a: my dad's side of the family probably did, but not in our house.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Dad: oh, so wrong.
Me: but so hilarious

My black dad

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 14:34:39 -0400

It’s about time I explain the title of this here blog. Basically, when I was younger, my entire family was at Six Flags and we saw two adorable biracial kids with their black dad, looking as though their dog had just died. Two kids! At Six Flags! Sad! And it didn’t look like temporary “you didn’t get me a frozen lemonade” sadness, it looked like “you’re my black dad and I don’t even want to spend time with you because mommy is our primary caregiver” sadness. Like they were legit despondent that they had to spend a day with their black dad. That experience led to a meme within our family called My Black Dad.

It’s pretty much a (humorous, I hope) way of pinning anything that’s going wrong in your life on your black dad.

Hair won’t hold a blow-out? Blame my black dad!

Car won’t start? It’s my black dad’s fault!

Drank too much last night? It’s because of my black dad!

Forgot to record The Bachelorette last night? My black dad is the one to blame!

You see?

So this here blog is pretty much my ode to my own black dad and our gchat conversations I enjoy so much.

my father, the english phd

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 13:59:12 -0400

Me: thank you.
Dad: your welcome.
Dad: "your" just to be annoying.
Me: of course
Dad: didn't want you to think i was losing it...well, anymore than expected.
Me: 'anymore'
Dad: exactly