My Black Dad

Dec 05

teen mom defense league ACTIVATE!

• Me: Where's mom?
• Dad: In the dining room having a meeting.
• Me: Oh. About what?
• Dad: Sex.
• Me: Come again?
• Dad: It's about sex and all of the--and I'll use the proper term here--bastards in the church.

Nov 25

Dad: “That child is ruined.”

Nov 06

i'm needy

• Dad: i gotta go. was just about to shut down. have a faculty council meeting to attend.
• Me: okk
• Dad: may chat during meeting. most of it will be boring and useless. but don't quote me on that.
• Me: tell them i said hello
• MAKE THEM KNOW ME
• Dad: k. they asked about you last time. you're on the agenda.
• Me: perf!!
• Dad: right after the minutes "hellos from/to lauren smith"

Nov 05

al for short

• me: facebook suggested i poke a dead girl
• Dad: way to go al g. rithm.
• me: what's up w/ your keyboard
• Dad: whaddya mean?
• me: oh that was a joke HAHAH I GET IT NOW
• Dad: thank you.
• me: i was like you spelled algorithm wrong

Oct 21

is weirdness a dominant or recessive trait?

• Me: i wish i had had the foresight to invite someone to come w/ me
• Me: i'm a loner
• Me: creepy loner
• Dad: my apologies, again, for your gene structure.
• Me: accepted

Sep 04

Daddy was a loser too.

Skyler,

I know exactly how you feel up in Huntsville. I can really empathize. When I was in your shoes I studied a lot, played basketball, ran around the track, and felt sorry for my loser self. I didn’t have a girlfriend, a car, nothing. I was just a loser. But, I did know how to type and so I typed a lot, shot a lot of baskets with another loser friend of mine, and stayed in great shape. So, that was good.

My suggestion to you: find a tennis racket or the swimming pool and put some of that energy into exercise. I know that you will love it once you get into a routine. (It’s always good to drop of few unneeded lbs.) I should know; I have plenty of them and I can still exercise at 61!

Love, Your Loving Daddy

(Submitted by Skyler)

conrad murray is still the center of our world.

• Dad: i'm gonna go do nap...my bad, dr. conrad murray...time.
• Me: hahahahahah
• you enjoy
• don't inject anything
• Dad: actually, mom came home early to monitor my propofol drip.
• Me: HAHAH
• tell her not too much

Aug 28

re: the pants

• Dad: under the sink against the wall.
• those didn't just "fall" off the sink when someone was handwashing.
• Me: hahahahahaah
• OMG
• wooow
• did you see anyone walking around with just a button down shirt on?
• pantsless?
• Dad: not yet.
• hiding in my office so i don't see that person.
• Dad: imagine seeing that out of the corner of your eye.
• Me: LOL that is truly baffling
• Dad: if they were in the middle of the floor, in a stall, lying on the sink, i'd possibly understand...but kicked against the wall
• ...that's a puzzler.
• Me: i just crack up thinking of the many scenarios that led to that point
• i can't stop laughing
• Dad: crack up or get scared.
• Me: personally i'm horrified
• Dad: imagine that guy explaining to his wife that he lost his pants at work.
• or having an afternoon meeting after working out.
• Me: HAHAHAHAHAH
• 'honey, i need a new pair of dockers. don't ask questions.'
• Dad: LOL!
• "how was class, dear?"
• "good. lost my dockers, nothing out of the ordinary."

[video]

Aug 21

on drinking and rapists, via twitter:

• Me: my night = drinking a ghetto cocktail and watching octomom on hulu. #imbetterthanyou
• Dad: what’s a ghetto cocktail? i have hendricks gin. ha! #imbetteroffthanyou
• Me: HAHAH it is this passion fruit welch’s juice [redacted] left here and tito’s vodka. i wanted to get wine but the rapist put the kaibosh on that.
• Dad: That’s why rapists are bad all around.