My Black Dad

Jan17

next up: Dad gets a blowout

3 weeks ago

Me: Did you see 30 Rock last night?
Dad: No... I think I fell asleep.. Actually, I don't know what happened last night.
(five minutes later... I casually mention that someone from our church looks like a Guido)
Dad (memory jogged): Ahh I think this is why I missed 30 Rock.
Me: Why? You were watching Jersey Shore?!!?
Dad: Yes. (laughing) I watched the entire episode.

Dec5

teen mom defense league ACTIVATE!

2 months ago

Me: Where's mom?
Dad: In the dining room having a meeting.
Me: Oh. About what?
Dad: Sex.
Me: Come again?
Dad: It's about sex and all of the--and I'll use the proper term here--bastards in the church.

Nov25

Dad: “That child is ruined.”

Nov6

i'm needy

3 months ago

Dad: i gotta go. was just about to shut down. have a faculty council meeting to attend.
Me: okk
Dad: may chat during meeting. most of it will be boring and useless. but don't quote me on that.
Me: tell them i said hello
MAKE THEM KNOW ME
Dad: k. they asked about you last time. you're on the agenda.
Me: perf!!
Dad: right after the minutes "hellos from/to lauren smith"

Nov5

al for short

3 months ago

me: facebook suggested i poke a dead girl
Dad: way to go al g. rithm.
me: what's up w/ your keyboard
Dad: whaddya mean?
me: oh that was a joke HAHAH I GET IT NOW
Dad: thank you.
me: i was like you spelled algorithm wrong

Oct21

is weirdness a dominant or recessive trait?

3 months ago

Me: i wish i had had the foresight to invite someone to come w/ me
Me: i'm a loner
Me: creepy loner
Dad: my apologies, again, for your gene structure.
Me: accepted

Sep4

I know exactly how you feel up in Huntsville. I can really empathize. When I was in your shoes I studied a lot, played basketball, ran around the track, and felt sorry for my loser self. I didn’t have a girlfriend, a car, nothing. I was just a loser. But, I did know how to type and so I typed a lot, shot a lot of baskets with another loser friend of mine, and stayed in great shape. So, that was good.

My suggestion to you: find a tennis racket or the swimming pool and put some of that energy into exercise. I know that you will love it once you get into a routine. (It’s always good to drop of few unneeded lbs.) I should know; I have plenty of them and I can still exercise at 61!

Love, Your Loving Daddy

(Submitted by Skyler)

Sep4

conrad murray is still the center of our world.

5 months ago

Dad: i'm gonna go do nap...my bad, dr. conrad murray...time.
Me: hahahahahah
you enjoy
don't inject anything
Dad: actually, mom came home early to monitor my propofol drip.
Me: HAHAH
tell her not too much

Aug28

re: the pants

5 months ago

Dad: under the sink against the wall.
those didn't just "fall" off the sink when someone was handwashing.
Me: hahahahahaah
OMG
wooow
did you see anyone walking around with just a button down shirt on?
pantsless?
Dad: not yet.
hiding in my office so i don't see that person.
Dad: imagine seeing that out of the corner of your eye.
Me: LOL that is truly baffling
Dad: if they were in the middle of the floor, in a stall, lying on the sink, i'd possibly understand...but kicked against the wall
...that's a puzzler.
Me: i just crack up thinking of the many scenarios that led to that point
i can't stop laughing
Dad: crack up or get scared.
Me: personally i'm horrified
Dad: imagine that guy explaining to his wife that he lost his pants at work.
or having an afternoon meeting after working out.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAH
'honey, i need a new pair of dockers. don't ask questions.'
Dad: LOL!
"how was class, dear?"
"good. lost my dockers, nothing out of the ordinary."

Aug28

E-mail from Dad:

It’s the men’s room—public. On the first floor of my building. Against the wall, under the sink, with a belt. Who among you has disrobed and left necessary clothing in a public restroom? On second thought, don’t answer that. I really don’t want to know.